


I don't want it back...

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, Season/Series 06, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-12-13
Updated: 2010-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-06 19:36:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8766253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Sam thinks some things are better left undone. coda 6.11, Let me try this again, I posted this to the wrong story originally, my error, as I indicated this story felt lacking to me so I went back, got a swift kick in the jollies by my muse and started writing to close this proper.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes: I chose Torture as a warning because to Sam, getting his soul back may qualify!  
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I lay on that friggin cot scared shitless as Death, friggin Death y’all sat on the bed side with my soul in his hands. Dean was standing in the door with Bobby and both look like they’d been poleaxed. I was begging them not to let this happen, I was just fine without a soul. I was functional and more alert as a hunter. There was no conscience to bother me so I didn’t have that weight. Now I am bowing up in excruciating pain as Death puts my soul back in me. And with it just starting to enter my consciousness I feel things and sense things, things I’d rather forget, like

 

Self sacrifice

 

Loathing myself

 

Betrayals 

 

Deceit

 

So much and so many emotions I have on my plate to deal with the most painful was the look on Dean’s face when we dealt with those vamps. He’d been turned but we managed to save him, but I stood there and let it happen. I could have covered the distance to the vamp and taken his head, but I stood there. I could have saved Dean from the trauma of passage, but I stood there. I watched and part of me was cheering what the vamp was doing because it meant us having a shoe in to the nest. 

 

Oh Gods Dean, how will you ever accept me now, you know, I know you do, you keep saying we’re good, but we’re not. I’ve been an unmitigated shit; I’ve used you, Bobby, Samuel, so many. Not having a soul freed me from the burden of guilt or thoughts of shame for doing something like that, I was running on pure animal instinct. Now the veil has been lifted and I’m getting my soul back. And the real shitter is that I’m probably going to lose Dean.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean stood in the panic room in terror and anticipation, Bobby stood in confusion and a thousand other emotions, while Sam lay in abject terror as Death gave him back his soul. The glowing sphere disappeared into his midsection along with Death’s hand. 

 

“DEAN PLEASE, NO!!!” Sam screamed in pain and terror. Then suddenly he fell backwards on the bunk as Death’s hand was removed. His eyes were rolled back and then closed. Dean sprung forward but Death stayed him with his hand. 

 

“Not yet impetuous one. “ Death said, “I’ve reinstalled his soul, it doesn’t mean that it’s settled.”

 

“Excuse me just who the hell are you?” Bobby nearly roared.

 

“Old timer, I’ve been around a lot longer than you have and one day in the far future we’ll meet again, just forget about me for now. Think of me as a helpful angel. Though to some I’ve been far from helpful.” He said looking at Dean directly.

 

“Uh Bobby meet Death, Death this is Bobby.”

 

“You’re a good man Bobby, a better one than these boys deserve, I think I like you, time will tell.” Death said then stroked Sam’s forehead lightly and stood, “He’ll wake shortly when he does release him from these bonds. He’ll be a bit erratic for a time, but he’ll quickly find his equilibrium. Just make sure he leaves the wall alone.”

 

Sam moaned as he started to come around. “Well gentlemen, it’s been a rare occasion and a joyous one for me, and Dean reheat that Bacondog in the stove, they’re no good cold.” Then Death was gone leaving the trio in mixed confusion. Sam struggled for a moment to move but the handcuffs held him fast, that was when Dean remembered and ran over unlocking the cuffs.

 

“Sam, Sammy!” He started.

Bobby was by his side as well patting at Sam’s face, “Hey boy, come on, wake up Sam.”

 

“I don’t want…” Sam started then stopped his eyes springing open a different light shining in them now. He lay there for a long moment wrapped in terror and suddenly he was weeping voluably. “You should’ve left me alone, why couldn’t you have done that?” Sam asked in tears. Then he realized he was crying and only sobbed harder. “Oh God I can feel again. What have you done to me!?” 

 

“I did the only thing I could think to help you Sammy, the only thing.” Dean said sitting now where Death was sitting moments before. “I had to help you Sam, this thing you were, it wasn’t you, you were without conscience, you let shit happen that shouldn’t and tackled shit that I would’ve looked twice at.” Dean dashed away angry tears of his own, his face shattering as he watched his brother come to grips with the thing inside him now. 

 

Sam leaned back breathing steadily and regularly then he looked at Bobby and sobbed again, “Oh my God, Bobby, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry.” 

 

“We’ll work that out later for now just settle down and get your bearings.” Bobby ordered leaning a hand against his shoulder. 

 

They carefully helped him sit up on the bunk as he felt his midsection still somewhat tender after the exploratory soulectomy. He looked up at Dean now his tears still flowing, his body shaking as if caught in a fever. Dean did the only thing that he could think of and stretched out on the cot next to Sam and wrapped him in his arms. He was poignantly and painfully reminded of doing this for Sam when he was much younger after either nightmares or bouts with his father. 

 

Dean started rubbing Sam’s back and soon enough the shaking stopped but he cried for a while longer until at last he cleared his throat and Dean sensing the bonding moment was over for now disentangled himself from the hug and nervously sat up on the cot. 

 

“How are you feeling?” Castiel said from the head of the cot. Everyone in the room jerked into awareness that the angel had just popped into the room. 

 

“Shaky Cas, very shaky.” Sam said his voice matching his description.

 

“You will for a bit until you get reacquainted with your soul.” Castiel walked around the bed and then knelt next to Bobby, “But I asked how you were feeling?”

 

“That’s just it Cas, I feel so many things, happy, sad, and angry. I can’t sense any differences other than that.”

 

“That’s not the worst thing that can happen to you.” Castiel said with a wan smile. “Death was the one resource I had not considered and for that I am sorry. I regret not attempting this sooner.”

 

“Like how much sooner?” Dean asked his brow furrowed.

 

“Dean it doesn’t matter now, Sam is back and he is whole. That’s something to rejoice over.”

 

Sam shook his head at Castiel’s words and closed his eyes, “This is going to make me a less effective hunter. You’ve crippled me Dean. You’ve fucking hobbled me.”

 

“I did the only thing I could think of to get you whole again.”

 

“No you did the only thing to get your Sammy back, your kid brother, the dependent one, the needy one. Well you succeeded, I hope you’re happy with your work.”

 

Dean stood and turned his back to the cot for a moment his face a mask of frustration, finally he whirled. “You would have done the same thing for me.”

 

“Yeah, because you are the more stable of us. You are the decider, Dean this Sammy you resurrected is going to learn real quick how to be a cold efficient hunter. Samuel is out of the picture now, there’s just me and you. I just hope you’re ready for the ride.”

 

Dean quirked a slight smile, “God you make that sound sexual.”

 

Sam shook his head, “Dean I could read you the menu of a Hardee’s and you’d find it sexual.”

 

Bobby choked on a laugh then gave up and gave out a belly laugh which also got Castiel to smile slightly. 

“Humour good, you’ll need that in the days ahead.” Castiel said and vanished. Sam then sat up on the cot and looked around the room. He looked down at his hands a moment and then stood.

 

“Excuse me guys, but I need a breath of air.” 

 

“Sam!?” Dean started.

 

Sam held up a halting hand as his back was to Dean. “Please bro, let me be for a little bit okay, let me handle this.”

 

Dean looked at his brother helplessly then at Bobby who shrugged and turned walking towards the door as well. Dean rifled his hair and followed as well. They exited the Panic Room and Sam was already out of the basement and in the main part of the house. He stumbled into the kitchen for a moment and took a glass out of the cabinet, then walking back into Bobby’s office poured three fingers of Bobby’s favourite, Jim Beam. Dean and Bobby watched as he swirled the contents of the glass for a moment and then took a drink, he then walked towards the door, carrying the glass and without thought walked out onto the front porch and into the salvage yard. 

 

Bobby and Dean were seated in his office looking down for the moment confused and utterly beside themselves.

 

“Did we do the right thing Bobby?” Dean asked.

 

“I don’t know if we did or not. You heard what he said, that his soul would be scarred, even Death said that he had to build a wall in his soul to bind off the hell parts. You’re going to have to walk on eggshells around him for a while I figure.” Bobby said sighing. Then he leaned back in his chair and poured him a shot as well as one for Dean. “Maybe you oughta write a book, “Soulsaving for Dummies”, it’d be a big hit with some.”

 

Bobby looked down at his glass for a long moment and then at Dean who shared the look, it was Dean who looked away first shaking his head. “He’s wrong, I didn’t want a dependent Sammy, I wanted a Sammy with feelings, who had to sleep, get laid, whatever, but did it with some kind of feeling.” 

 

“If you did it for that reason then I think you did good, but if you did do it to get back that little brother figure, you screwed the pooch bigger than lassie.” Bobby said his voice hard.

 

They sat for long moments in silent contemplation over their glasses of whiskey and waited, in the yard Sam walked and thought, he truly felt no difference other than that he could say that he had honest to God feelings now. He had a conscience and for that he didn’t know if he would ever been the same as he had been for the year or not. Part of him reveled in the soulless Sam, the Sam who couldn’t feel, who was calculating and willing to bet the lot on a short run. Bobby finally stood and walked around the desk, Dean stood as well prepared to follow Bobby, but the older man shoved Dean back onto the couch.

 

“Stay put, there’s something me and Sam need to square up right now.” Bobby said levelly.

 

He walked out of the house and looked down in the lot he could make out the shadowed form of Sam in the distance, he took off towards him working out what to say to him in his head as he walked, trying a phrase then discarding it, tasting a word and letting it go. Finally he was nearing Sam’s back, Sam turned at the sound of feet crunching gravel. 

 

“Dean send you out to check on me?” He asked.

 

“Nope, I made Dean stay put, this is you and me boy. Just you and me.”

 

“Bobby, what I was going to do earlier was a spell to pollute my body to the point that my soul would have not been able to exist in me.”

 

“And you were going to kill me for that? You had the circle drawn, the knife ready and you were going to do for me?” Bobby said angrily.

 

“Yeah, I was.” Sam said without a pause. “Now I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over that and for even thinking it I am heartily sorry.”

 

“You better be boy, because a lot of trouble was gone through to help rescue your soul. You’ve been in tight spots before, and survived. Now you get all pussy whipped because of something Castiel said. Wake up boy, you’re not dead, you’re alive and you can feel that you’re alive.” 

 

“I know, Bobby I’m scared.” Sam said sounding like a little boy again.

 

“You damn well should be, you kicked Lucifer’s ass, escaped from the pit, lived a year as a soulless hunter, God only knows how that must’ve been for ya, and now you got your soul back, you actually have a conscience now. You can actually feel guilt again. Well good! Good for you! Bout damn time you felt something.” Bobby said his voice rising with every word. “And one last thing before I go back in the house, I love you like a son, but if you EVER think of pulling a dumb ass stunt like that again and try to kill me you better be sure you do it right cause I swear to God I’ll get up and kick your ass square otherwise! AM I GETTING THROUGH TO YOU BOY!?”

 

“Yes sir.” Sam said again in that little boy voice.

 

“Good, now get your ass back in the house and do what it takes to make things square with your brother!” Bobby shook his head in disgust his anger ripe. “Are you even aware of what he did for you today, does it even bother you that to save your soul he took on Death’s job for the day!?”

 

“Yes it bothers me. It’s something he should never had done.” Sam said bleakly.

 

“Well it’s done and over with so go in there and figure out how to fix this mess ya big baby.” Bobby said whirling and stomping back to the house. 

 

Sam followed and was inside as well several minutes later, he walked into the study and sat his empty glass down on the desktop and turned to look at Dean who was sitting there looking patently miserable. 

 

“So you gonna tell me how your day went?” Sam asked casually.

 

“Uh collected some souls, one was a dick who was sticking up a store. Bastard had a father and kid at gunpoint but the dad out smarted the little shit and blew his ass away. I took my time on that collection. The other one was a middle aged doof who was chowing on a chunk of pizza and keeled over with a heart attack. It was the last one that I screwed up on big time. “

 

“Sounds like you were doing a pretty good job.” Sam said quietly.

 

Dean shook his head and looked at his hands a moment, he could almost see that accursed ring back on his finger. “It was a 12 year old girl, she was dying of heart failure.” Tears were now tracking his cheeks and his voice was cracking. “I uh, let he live to start with and didn’t take her, but because I did that the nurse who would have been in her surgical team got t-boned by a drunk driver, so I had to collect her instead. Then Tessa, the reaper, wound back the clock and gave me a second chance, this time I tried to stop the driver from getting into his car and succeeded in pulling off the ring and I thought blowing my chances, to stop the driver. Finally I was given one last chance and I took the girl. Sammy, she was Ben’s age.” Tears were falling freely now and finally Sam had a grasp on what exactly Dean gave up for his brother’s soul. It was a last part of his innocence. 

 

Sam sat down next to Dean and grabbed him in a hug, rocking him slightly as he cried. “We’ll figure this out together then, I promise. I may not like what was done but I’ll not let you say you wasted your chance.” Sam said choking back tears of his own. “We’ll figure this out together.”


End file.
